


The Gifts

by Graendoll



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, F/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21938569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graendoll/pseuds/Graendoll
Summary: Rey watches Ben Solo die on a Thursday.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 19
Kudos: 162
Collections: Winter Gems 2020





	The Gifts

**Author's Note:**

> I went into TRoS unspoiled...on a Thursday...and this came out of me rather quickly in the aftermath.
> 
> I don't know what stage of grief this covers...maybe bargaining? Acceptance? No clue.
> 
> As always, thank you to @Balancedpadawan for the beta. 
> 
> And for crying about Ben Solo with me.

Ben Solo died on a Thursday.

Rey knew this because she saw it happen. Watched as his strong form slipped to the ground, his legs folding under him gracefully, almost like he simply relaxed into the floor. She watched as his amber eyes fluttered closed, giving the impression of someone who was shutting himself off from reality and escaping into his head. As though he were hard at work solving a problem, deep in thought and too distracted to care that his body was failing him.

When the paramedics arrived, Rey dropped the curtain to the window and turned away from the scene, unsure of the role she should play while the medical crew ushered him away with the jarring stimuli of lights and sirens. Ben was her friend, her neighbor, her almost something, but the suddenness with which he disappeared in front of her had her feeling like she’d never be whole again. So with a numbness born from years of isolation and heartache, she turned away and returned her attention to the late August heat.

* * *

They emptied his apartment on a Saturday. 

This time Rey couldn't avoid some involvement, as she was forced to navigate the pack of movers on her way to her apartment door. She watched in silence as they carried out furniture, boxes of his personal items, a rug. Blinking away tears she clutched her groceries tighter to her chest. She'd never met his family, couldn't imagine she ever would _now_ , but that didn't keep her from wondering who was responsible for taking away his belongings.

Her mind wandered to the soft sweater currently residing under her pillow. It was _hers_ now. She wasn't obligated to give it back to these scavengers who were chipping away at her with each item they took of Ben. When they carried out his mattress she turned her back and unlocked her door. 

The tears fell quietly while she put away the special hot cocoa she bought.

It was her favorite thing about October.

With a self-conscious glance at the door, Rey walked quietly to her bedroom and pulled on the oversized sweater, fingers curling slowly into the soft cuffs. She brushed the soft knit over her cheeks, unblinking when the cuffs came away damp. 

* * *

The first package came on a Wednesday.

She was putting up her Christmas tree, singing to herself quietly as she stretched up on her toes to wrap the garland around the top of the evergreen. The smell of pine had infused the small apartment with the scent of winter, and Rey's face held a small smile. The sleeves of the oversized sweater she'd kept were rolled up, sliding up her forearms whenever she stretched to place an ornament on the tree.

The buzzing of the intercom startled her into silence, the soft song she'd been humming ending on a sour note. Barefoot, the floor cool beneath her feet, she walked to the buzzer next to the front door, chewing on her thumbnail before finally depressing the button.

"Hello?"

"Package for Rey Johnson."

"Thank you. Please leave it."

"Yup. Happy Holidays."

Rey released the intercom and tugged on the sleeves of her sweater, the overly large cuffs covering her hands completely, soft wool brushing against her palms. Hesitating only slightly, she opened the door and made her way downstairs to the lobby. A quick glance through the glass door showed the small entryway was empty, but when her eyes moved to the mail cubbies she saw a plain paper bag sitting on the small console table set up against the wall.

She opened the door and stepped into the cold entryway, her nose immediately assaulted by the smell of Chinese food. Curious she stepped closer to the bag and opened it, looking down at two food containers. The scent was familiar and with a jerk she realized why.

It was her favorite dish from the Black Dragon. Memories hit her hard and she reeled away from the food, eyes darting around the small room.

"Ben?"

The hollow echo of the enclosed space made her small whisper resonate unpleasantly. Her heart threatened to leap from her chest while she waited, but nothing happened.

There was, of course, no answer.

* * *

The following Friday came with a delivery to her door. 

A box, plain and brown, sat on the floor in front of her apartment. It was a small box, but what it lacked in physical size it made up for in emotional weight. She’d been on alert since the Chinese delivery, and somehow she just _knew_ this would be another token. Another reminder of him. Rey glanced around the hallway before slowly approaching her doorway. Lowering herself to the floor, she reached for the package with shaky hands.

It was lightweight and soundless, and when Rey opened it, a sob of recognition escaped her. A red satin ribbon sat inside the box, and she watched it unfurl as she slowly pulled it from its packaging.

"Ben." Her voice came out on an exhale, vision blurring as she looked at the ribbon. Sitting back on her heels, she looked down the hallway again. 

But she knew she was alone.

* * *

It seemed fitting, really, that she would be haunted by him.

She sat on the couch in her living room, stirring a spoon through the rum laden hot chocolate which had now gone cold. Her eyes locked on the holiday decorations, staring at the flickering white lights on her Christmas tree and wondering how to reconcile her hopes with her reality. Her cup grew cold in her hands. Her lips raw and red from the constant worrying abuse of her teeth.

The oversized sweater slipped off her shoulder and she shrugged it back up as she continued to chew on her lip. With a final gulp of her alcoholic cocoa, she leaned her head back on the couch and closed her eyes.

_“Stop chewing on yourself.”_

_Rey glared at her companion, but self consciously pulled her thumb out of her mouth before spitting the liberated fingernail at his feet._

_His lips twitched as he purposefully stepped out of her range._

She shook her head to clear the memories from her mind but the combination of the rum and the longing kept them coming until she fell asleep.

Cold. 

And alone.

* * *

_“Come eat with me.”_

_Rey’s eyes narrowed at the man standing in her hallway._

_“Why?”_

_“I’m hungry. You are too. I can tell by the bag of groceries in your hand overflowing with snack foods.” He looked over her shoulder and she straightened in annoyance. “Cheetos hold no nutritional value.”_

_“I don’t even know you.” She spat at him._

_“You know me.” His voice lowered as he spoke and Rey stilled before he spoke again. “Put those down and come with me.”_

_Her eyes met his, searching for a reason for his sudden invitation. Amber eyes looked back at her and she fell, tripping over her own feet the same time her soul tripped to meet his. A large hand steadied her and she righted herself physically, her inner compass still spinning wildly in an effort to align with whatever it was within him that pulled at her._

_“Let go and I’ll come with you.”_

_His hand dropped and the spinning inside her did as well. It was so abrupt she nearly succumbed to gravity once more before righting herself and unlocking her door._

_“Wait here.”_

_The walk to the Chinese restaurant was quiet in a way that felt more comfortable than awkward. The tall man next to her looked down from time to time, an unreadable expression on his face._

_“What’s your name?”_

_“Ben.”_

_“Just Ben?”_

_“For now.”_

_They’d eaten in companionable silence, the bustle of the busy restaurant a backdrop for their meal._

_It had been the start of something._

* * *

The Sunday before Christmas brought with it another package. 

This time it was hand-delivered to Rey at the coffee shop down the street from her apartment building.

Sitting at her favorite corner table, she kept her head down and focused on her work so as not to make accidental eye contact with anyone; thus inviting them to speak to her. She wanted no more handsome strangers coming up to her, no more beginnings. When she sensed someone hovering over her space she snapped her head up, a dismissal on her lips, only to see a young child, no more than twelve or thirteen, standing before her with a paper bag.

“Are you Rey?”

“Yes." She tried to hide her surprise at the girl knowing her name. "What’s your name?”

The young girl thrust her hand out, mittens dusted with snow, the bag she was holding crumpled and slightly damp as a result of her grip.

“This is for you.”

Rey wiped her palms on her pants before reaching out to take the offering.

“Thank you.”

The girl gave her a brief smile before running out of the cafe, pigtails bobbing with each step, a mittened hand waving over her shoulder before she stepped through the door and out into the snow. Rey watched her leave before turning her attention back to the bag. She set it carefully on the table, staring at it, wondering if she would be able to discern the contents by sheer force of will. The first two packages had so clearly been reminders of Ben she wasn’t sure she could face a third. The question of where they were coming from, or who knew how she’d feel about what they held had been pushed resolutely out of her mind.

She didn’t want to know. Thinking was too close to hoping to be comfortable. 

With a sense of foreboding she slowly opened the sandwich bag, the sharp sounds of the paper crackling as she unrolled it making her flinch, even though they weren't all that loud. When she peaked inside, her throat closed up and she pushed the bag as far to the other side of the table as possible. With shaky hands and blurred vision she slammed her laptop shut and stood, shoving her things into her bag without thought. 

A single step was all she took before she let out a sob and grabbed the bag off the table.

* * *

_“Why do you always wear your hair like that?”_

_Rey lifted her hand to her buns before answering. “My mother used to do my hair like this.”_

_“That doesn’t actually answer the question.”_

_“I don’t remember anything else about her.”_

_Ben cocked his head and gazed at her long enough for her to drop her eyes to her cappuccino. She thought he’d dropped it but two days later he stood behind her and tied red ribbons around each bun._

_“If it’s out of love, spruce it up a bit.”_

_“I’m not sure it is.”_

_He hummed. “Then make it your own. You don’t have to be the product of someone else’s legacy.”_

_That afternoon she bought ribbons in every color of the rainbow for her hair, but she made sure every morning that one was red._

* * *

When she got home, she stood in front of the Christmas tree and stared down at the bright lights, the delicate ornaments twinkling coldly. What was supposed to bring joy and brighten up the long days of winter was doing nothing more than bringing a cold sort of distant beauty to her home. The kind of beauty that gained its power from cruelty instead of warmth.

Rey took a shaky breath, the tear tracks on her face tightening as they dried, and reached into the bag. She pulled out the small, velvet case and slowly lowered herself to the floor where she placed it under the tree.

She cried herself to sleep.

* * *

_“I don’t want to be alone anymore.”_

_Ben looked at her and reached for her hand with his, thumb brushing across her skin softly._

_“You’re not alone.”_

* * *

Her world stopped on a Tuesday.

It was Christmas Eve and she was in the kitchen making cookies while softly humming to herself, the smell of vanilla and sugar permeating the air. The knock on her door startled her, interrupting what she was doing.

Wiping her hands on the dish towel, she set the oven timer and stepped towards the door, curious about who was on the other side. The apartment building had a buzzer system and theoretically no one should be able to get past it without a key of their own. 

Had she not been so worried about burning her cookies she might have remembered to look through the peephole. Instead, she just opened the door only to have her breath leave her body entirely.

He was there. In front of her. 

Not dead. 

And he was looking at her like she was his world.

She immediately burst into tears.

* * *

_"I may have to go away for a while."_

_"Work trip?"_

_Ben shrugged. "Something like that."_

_Rey chewed on her lip, worrying at the piece of loose skin she found. They'd never talked about his job, but she'd always gotten the impression it was dangerous. The taste of copper on her tongue snapped her out of her thoughts._

_"Are you coming back?"_

_The intensity in his eyes when he responded would have brought her to her knees if she hadn't already been sitting down._

_"I'll always come back to you."_

* * *

She must be losing her mind. 

_He’s not real. He’s not real. He’s not real. He’s not -_

“Rey. Can I come in?”

The mantra in her head ceased at the sound of his voice, low and soft just like she remembered, her breath choking her as her body rebelled.

She found herself in his embrace before she even registered he’d moved, strong arms wrapped around her, head pressed against the soft fabric of the sweater covering his chest. Her tears gave way to full body sobs, gut wrenching and loud. The door was closed and she felt herself guided towards the couch where she was pulled into his lap, strong hands stroking up and down her back while her own fingers clutched at the soft knit of his sweater, pulling and stretching at the fine wool.

“I’m so sorry, Rey.” 

She felt him press a kiss to her head and lifted her head to look at him, her eyes taking him in as she re-familiarized herself with every detail of his appearance. Her hand raised of its own volition, fingertips skimming across his face before settling on his jaw, her thumb brushing the corner of his mouth like a ghost, worried that if she pressed too hard he’d disappear.

“Ben.” His name came out on a whisper of breath, followed by a smile as Rey realized he was really here, in front of her. So she said his name again before leaning in and capturing his lips with hers.

They’d never kissed before he died.

It was soft, his response gentle as she pressed against him. He pulled her bottom lip between his and when his tongue pressed into her she opened up for him. He tasted like hope and joy and she never wanted to let him go.

When he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, he broke the kiss to whisper all manners of apologies and words of love and affection in her ear. Her tears still flowed freely down her cheeks, but by now they were propelled by joy instead of sorrow. And as he lay her down and made love to her, she returned the favor, telling him all the things she’d longed to say in the months since he’d been gone.

After, when they were curled around each other, Rey’s head on his chest while she listened to the steady rhythm of his heart as he traced the lines of her shoulder, he explained what had happened and why he hadn’t been able to tell her anything.

“What about the gifts?”

“They were my love letter to you.”

“They kind of freaked me out. I thought I was losing my mind.”

He pulled her close and she looked up at him, fingers twitching to smooth the furrow in his brow that had settled between his eyes.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I wasn’t scared, exactly. I mean -” she paused and chewed on her lip before his thumb pulled it from between her teeth. “I was afraid to hope.”

* * *

When they woke Christmas morning, Rey pulled the velvet box out from underneath the tree and toyed with it while Ben handed her a cup of coffee and settled next to her on the floor.

“Open it.” 

Rey glanced at him, trying to gauge his mood but all she saw was his crooked grin, half hidden by the mug.

With a smile she complied, opening the velvet box and freezing when she saw what was inside. A sapphire ring, blue gem set in a silver metal and surrounded by diamonds, blinked back at her.

“It was my mother’s. It belongs to you.”

“Ben - “

“Please.” It was said with such heavy longing, like his entire existence depended on her answer. And when his long fingers plucked the ring out of it’s velvet box and he held it up, waiting, she gave him the only response she could imagine, sliding it onto her finger with a smile.

“I love you.” His whisper carried too much emotion for such a quiet confession.

Rey clutched his hand to hers, fingers intertwined and set her coffee down on the floor before leaning into him, whispering her confession against his lips.

“I love you too, Ben Solo.”  
  


#onlyAo3


End file.
